so how do i make myself a better person.
i m a first year.
my parents told me that i m not the same person any more in the following way:
- i dont spend time with them
- i dont tell them abt my day to day activities
- i dont tell them abt my marks
- i spend an awful lot of time on campus and just go home to sleep
- i dont give my siblings the attention that i should be giving them
- i m super aggressive and have a bitter and rebelious attitude
- i m RUDE

anyway: here is my end.
- i dont spend time with them because of a bunch of reasons: # 1) i had a roughly bad start to first year, failed 2 courses, was basically overwhelmed by the amount of work, pressure, stress, and competition. telling them things did not help as i feel they only want me to be this super smart person who gets nothing below A +, .... and they dont really support me or make me feel good abt myself. i want to live on rez so i can get the most out of uni life (not partying, but live in an atmosphere that will motivate me to push forward - home environment just doesnt provide that))..

- there is nothing to tell them abt my day to day activities: wake up, go to school, attend classes, go to the gym, study at library, pray, and go home --- cycle begins again the next day....if sth out of the ordinary happens that i liked, i tell them that...otherwise, there is nothing to talk abt.

- i dont wanna tell them abt my marks because i dont think that the reaction i will get from them is gonna help me with anything. if its gonna do anything, it will make me feel like crap. so if i tell them abt me failing a test, they will be surprised and DISAPPOINTED. in high school, i was a 80 - 90 & student...came to uni, marks dropped like hell partly because i felt super alone, bad time-management skills, and did not know how to adjust to uni life...things happen to me so i dont make them happen again. this is how life works for me. i need to get kicked or dropped from a cliff to understand the consequences. but telling them doesnt do anythinggg...

- i DO spend a lot of time on campus because if i go home early, i will just go to sleep, which doesnt help with anything...and when i m frustrated, i just want to be alone. the last face i want to see is of my family.

- giving sibling attention means tutoring them with their school work.. on good normal days, i do try to help them out...but i m not a machine and i cant be there all the time for them. being the oldest, i m expected to be queen of knowledge. i m supposed to know how to help them with EVERYTHING...if i had a bitchy day, i ought to keep that shit within me. but be there to help them.

- well i m bitter, as i DONT get penny-worth of support form my parents. they like to know where i m spending my money (honestly 90 % of money goes to food, but they dont understand why i spend soo much money on food .. tried explaining to them that FOOD IS EXPENSIVE, but they dont understand them..they think i m spending that money on partiess -_-; they open my mail and see what i m getting WHICH DRIVES ME INSANE WITH ANGER). also, the only way they can support me is to allow me to to live on rez...NOW THEY GIVE ME THE PERMISSION TO DO THAT WHEN THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED....

- i know i m RUDE but only when they start me off...they dont wanna admit their shortcomings but basically i m supposed to be the one who takes in everything.

i have friends who have it much worse that its disgusting...

i m sure there are other people out there, who have similar problems, or had similar problems...

i wanna change some aspects of myself (particularly spending time with family), but i dont know where to start off from.

I NEED SOME REAL ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH MY SITUATION.
thanks

if i were you i would still move out. you could move into a house needing another roommate or get an aprtment for yourself. i think then the distance between yourself and your family will make you want to spend time with them when you have the oportunity. at least it did for me.

what faculty?

Originally Posted by Katy

if i were you i would still move out. you could move into a house needing another roommate or get an aprtment for yourself. i think then the distance between yourself and your family will make you want to spend time with them when you have the oportunity. at least it did for me.

She spends 90% of her money on food.. how is adding unnecessary living expenses to her equation going to help with her problems? leul

I'd say you explain all this to them instead of making an MI post. This is a complex personal issue that only you should be able to solve. There are so many points that I don't even know where to begin.

This pretty much sums up my life, too.

Live at home, oldest of four.

Don't really see my family a lot anymore, always at school, chilling or home sleeping. Don't talk to them, but I wasn't really that close with them in the first place. Always bitching about me not babysitting and doing chores and shit, especially since the youngest is autistic and requires a lot of attention and care. struggling with school, work and all that other fun stuff.

To start, I don't think you're a bad person because of that. I find myself coming home sometimes just in a terrible mood and I don't feel like talking, especially when annoying little siblings start following you around. I'm in second year and still struggling trying to organize my time and do everything in a timely manner.

If you really do want to change, though, I suppose a good way to start is to organize your time so you can see your family more and talk to them. Even a quick convo about your day, like five minutes, would be an improvement. Perhaps even sending them an email or something. I know it sounds ridiculous but if you're never home, then this could work.

One thing that they have to understand, though, is that you're in university. Of course you won't see them as much, and you'll want your freedom and own private time. Of course things are going to be different and change, especially your stress level, especially if you're in a hard program and work part-time. My parents really don't like the idea of this, either, but I can't move out because I'm poor, so I'm just dealing with it.

I guess just try talking to them, explain how you feel and how it's difficult to maintain a close relationship with everyone.

Just remember that you're not a bad person because of it, you're only human. You can only do so much. Good luck.

tl;dr
but move out and spend less time with ur parents.
that made me a better person
(love spending time with my sister though)

Change nothing. Embrace the new you.

First year is tough.... learn from your mistakes. You will eventually figure out how to study for classes and do well. As for your parent... just talk to them and explain your situation.

This sounds quite similar to some of my experiences with adjusting to university while still living at home. My family is of course supportive of my education overall, but sometimes it is difficult for families to understand how to support their children when they are going though such a different, and challenging experience. I likely will be moving out sometime next year, if I can save enough money, in the fall, or maybe later on, basically whenever I can. Not only because of conflict at home, but also because of other personal reasons, and I am excited to finally learn how to live more independently.

You may decide that these issues can be worked on and improved for next year so you can stay at home. Things will get better after first year, academically but also personally, as you learn how to deal with the stress and pressure. BUT, it's also important to remember that even if you do move out, you still need to obviously visit and talk with family, so some of these issues will still need to be resolved. Even though they will be much better with moving out, there still may be some tension.

So, some advice: as for marks- it always stressed me out to constantly be talking about marks with my parents in high school. In my first year, it was even worse, so I eventually established with my parents that I don't want to talk about it. I just kindly told them, 'please don't take this personally, it's not that I'm hiding something, but sometimes I just want to relax and not think about grades at home'. Then I would occasionally tell them if I was struggling with a course or if I got a really good grade. Or even if they did ask, I would find a way to tell them a little bit of information but not everything, like 'I'm doing well overall, but my classes this semester are very heavy'... if they press for more information, you can just tell them not to worry. Ultimately it's you who needs to deal with these issues and you can decide what to disclose to them or not. My parents would get a little concerned, and frustrated at first, and your parents might seem like they resent you for not telling them everything- but you need to be open and honest, and kindly explain why you're doing that. You just need to keep working through those issues, and they will get better.

As far as feeling frustrated and bitter and irritable, that happens to everyone, and it is even worse if you're going through a hard time(with university, etc). No family is perfect, so every family is going to have pretty much everyone taking their anger out on someone else, maybe even on a regular basis. Some families deal with this well, and work through these problems, and some don't... which can make your parents especially get frustrated with you if you're doing this and then you also feel guilty because you don't want to be doing this either but just feel that you can't help it.

Try to tackle any academic issues you have first. Maybe try making a list of certain skills or areas you need to improve on. Sometimes it's difficult if you're not getting high grades, but you don't now how exactly you can improve. You could try a number of things, like talking to a prof or TA, and bringing an assignment or test and ask them to look if over and if they have any advice for how you could improve. It's pretty simple but that honestly helped me a lot in first year(and even 2nd & 3rd). Depending on your faculty, you could also have different resources to go to for help. Ask people you know in your classes for help, or to study together. It also helps to look up resources online to improve any study/research/assignment/time management skills. Mac has a really good online resource page for any faculty: http://csd.mcmaster.ca/academic/onlineresources.html. Or maybe just google random things you struggle with, study skills, time management, etc. There are lots of good articles with helpful ideas that you can try out.

And also with food: you said you're spending a lot of money on food at school. I spent SO much money on food in first year as well. Then I learned in second year to pack food, and only buy food on campus every once in a while. Do what ever it takes, buy tupperware containers if you don't already have them, hide them from your family if they're going to get lost. If you need to, go to the grocery store once a week, or every 2 weeks it only takes about 30 mins, and spend about $30 or $40, however much you want, you will still save so much money. Just buy food for lunches and snacks. You may not need to do this if you already have food you can take for lunch, or you can ask for a few things, but I found that I sometimes need to buy a few things for myself. Even though I was commuting hours every week, and had a hectic schedule, I would still make time to prepare my food, just simple things like sandwiches, salads, snacks. It's so much healthier, and you will need to get into the habit of doing things anyway when you live on your own.

One last thing: even if there is a lot of tension between you and your parents, try to reconnect with them. I would try to spend even about 5 minutes here and there and ask them about their day, and other topics, maybe any common interests. Or fill them in a little on how your day was. It might seem akward, or lame, and the conversation might still be difficult but they will see that you are making the effort, and even if they seem angry or frustrated still they will probably still be secretly glad that you at least tried. Even if you do move out, these issues are a slow process, that you don't need to confront every issue and try to be perfect to your family, just start now to make little steps. Next year will be different, and when you start to make small changes, they will probably start to forget about how hectic and stressful this year has been.

For food, living at home, it really shouldn't cost that much.

I end up bringing a couple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and eating them whenever I have a break (make sure to ask people around you if they're allergic to peanuts though).

I also pack 2-3 granola bars to eat during classes, and I'm always drinking from a water bottle.

You might have to buy a bagel, muffin, or Willy dog at school, but even so, that's like $5 a day or less.

Originally Posted by mike_302

what faculty?

Why exactly does this matter? Pretentious moron.

If you don't get into rez, you could always rent a room in a student house.

And about your question "how do i make myself a better person?", I don't think you're a bad person (based on that post), maybe you just need space/time for yourself.

I agree with the other people on here: you're not a bad person because you're busy and frustrated.

I had a really bad first year too. It gets better.

The most important thing I've found helped me out was learning time management. So I bought an agenda, and I started using it (and more importantly, I actually followed what I said I would do when I said I would do it). In this manner I've been able to make time for family as my family is also very demanding. Weekends in my household are considered family time and pretty much nothing else. Though they're strong believers in education, my parents have always put a focus on time management and at the end of the day, balance between school and home life.

I've lived at home all three years so far and though I meant to move out in Sep, I've changed my mind because living at home cuts expenses significantly.
Also, I'm not sure who said that food should cost like $5 a day if you're SOCS...that's bullshit. In my case I eat breakfast at home in the morning and then since I'm here 8am-8pm on most days, I have to have lunch and dinner, which are serious meals. If you try to live on bagels, cereal bars and Willy dogs you're gona have some serious health problems.
If I pack a sandwich for lunch or whatnot, I still have to have dinner and when I'm studying hard, snacks. At the end of the month, most of my money does end up going towards food. It's not weird at all. I've talked to other SOCS students and they agree. You can have all the best intentions to save your money and eat a little less, but you still need to eat or go home and eat, which isn't always an option.

Just explain everything to them. I know it can be hard for parents to understand especially because I get the sense that they didn't grow up here, but eventually they'll just have to accept it.

Anyhoo, I've said enough. Good luck!

I had a lot of the same problems in first year - mainly, being annoyed/frustrated with my family and only going home to sleep. The thing that helped me most: moving out. I know you said you don't get much money from your parents, but I didn't either. I worked part time during the year and full time during the summer. When I had enough money, I moved out - and now I'm closer than I've ever been with my family.

If these are concerns you want to address more quickly, you could try contacting someone at the CSD. They are super helpful. You're not a bad person, you're just busy and stressed. CSD can help you find ways to explain this to your parents. They would probably even let your parents come in and talk with you in a personal counselling session (they offered to do this for me). It might be easier to explain with someone from Mac (CSD) with you, so your parents can't just say "I doubt you're that busy" or something.