Keep Cool Tips from The Onion
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This was so hilarious it needed to be news. Also, it's still really hot.
From The Onion:
Much of the U.S. [and Canada, jerks!] remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather:
- Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
- Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
- The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
- Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
- Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
- If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
- Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
- Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let the ***** do all the work.
- Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
- Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
- Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
- Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
- Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
- If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
- Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
- Lose some weight, you goddamn walrus.
Deegs14
says thanks to lorend for this post.
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07-06-2010 at 02:18 PM
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#2
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I wish I could seal my house and flood it with Nestea... That would be so refreshing XD
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Jeremy Han
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07-06-2010 at 02:22 PM
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Nestea is nasty, otherwise, good advices.
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07-06-2010 at 02:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jhan523
I wish I could seal my house and flood it with Nestea... That would be so refreshing XD
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Unless their commercials are untrue, you can just take a sip of Nestea anywhere, then fall backwards. Any matter behind you will transform into a pool of refreshing Nestea upon completing your sip.
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Mark Reeves
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07-06-2010 at 02:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reeves
Unless their commercials are untrue, you can just take a sip of Nestea anywhere, then fall backwards. Any matter behind you will transform into a pool of refreshing Nestea upon completing your sip.
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Alchemy FTW!!!!! 
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07-06-2010 at 03:49 PM
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LOL. I love all the tips, thanks! Too bad there aren't any wells to fall into nearby.
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07-06-2010 at 10:37 PM
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awesome!
i actually overheard some people at work today complaining about people using their AC too much  |
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07-08-2010 at 10:58 PM
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lol I saw that commercial day for the first time in a while I wanted ice tea so bad after that as it was boiling and our air conditioner chose a perfect day chill
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07-08-2010 at 11:09 PM
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my house doesnt have a/c and im partially glad, because the bill would be SO HIGH. right now im coping with fans. and i dont mind sweating off a few pounds
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07-09-2010 at 12:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Melanieee
my house doesnt have a/c and im partially glad, because the bill would be SO HIGH. right now im coping with fans. and i dont mind sweating off a few pounds |
I dont have AC either. I actually find myself looking forward to going to school and work, just to take advantage of the AC.
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Mark Reeves
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07-09-2010 at 08:39 AM
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My house has AC but I'm not using it. It helps that I live in the basement.
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Jeremy Han
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07-09-2010 at 08:49 AM
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#12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reeves
I dont have AC either. I actually find myself looking forward to going to school and work, just to take advantage of the AC.
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same! school and work are both on campus for me, so i get to cool down there. if i was less lazy id so my homework and studying on campus too
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