Hey guys, I was wondering if you guys could read over my appeal and give me your opinions and edits.. thanks so much...

Before I expand on the reasons behind my poor academic performance in my first year, I would like to briefly summarize my academic history before I came to McMaster. I came to Canada in 2004, and entered grade 8 at Edenwood Middle School. I found that some of the material taught, had already been covered in my school in Pakistan, and so it was easy to keep up with the class. I graduated middle school with awards for excellence in English, Geography, Math, Science, and Social Sciences. In high school, I was faced with a dilemma that many face later on in their lives. My mother wished for me to go into medicine, and refused to hear of my dream to become a journalist. I found myself taking subjects that my mother wanted me to develop interest in, but also taking literature every chance I got. In time, I got used to the science aspect of my academic career, even though I did not do as well as I did in English; I did not see myself in any other field. When I came to McMaster, I was nervous, excited and eager, like every other first year student – but unlike every other first year, I did not get the chance to fully express my abilities.
My academic performance in my first year was not because I partied, or got lost in the experience rather than the education; but because of some extenuating circumstances that unfolded, one after the other.
My father has been an alcoholic for quite some time now. The continuous financial struggle our family has faced ever since we came to Canada, may well be the reason he started drinking. As I am a Muslim, alcohol is considered a severe sin, and my father’s alcoholism has been a struggle on its own. My father was fired from his job in February 2009, leaving my mother to provide for a family of 6. Prior to coming to McMaster, I asked my mother if I could live in Hamilton, as I was unable to concentrate on my studies, what with my father stumbling around every night. My mother suggested that I commute instead as it would save us money. My commute from Mississauga to McMaster, took me about two hours every day – which was hard as I had 8:30 a.m. classes three times a week.
To help my mother with the bills, I took up a job at East Meets West Bistro. I understood that I could not work a lot of hours and still manage to stay on top of school work. I worked only 2-3 shifts a week but still found me drained and tired. I did however; receive a certificate of excellence in biology from the university due to my performance in a PBL project. The effects of my hectic schedule were shown in my first term grade report, as it was nothing close to what I had hoped. I promised myself that second term would be better, and that I had adjusted to what had become my new routine.
On January 1st, my mother received a call from her sister in Pakistan, saying that their mother was extremely sick. My mother and her brother, who lives in Milton with his family, jumped on a plane only 2 hours later, on their way to Pakistan. Before they landed however, we were informed that my grandmother had passed away. This was a hard time for my family, as we never got to say goodbye to her. When my mother landed in Pakistan, she had a nervous breakdown upon being informed of my grandmother’s death. Her condition was so serious; she could not recognize my voice on the phone.
On January 9th, exactly one week after my grandmother’s death, we were informed of my grandfather’s death. My mother lost both her parents in one week, and we our grandparents. My mother stayed in Pakistan for over one month, and my sister and I were pooling pays from our part time jobs to keep going, as my father still had not found work. I started losing focus at school, as I was always occupied with the stress at home. When my mother came back to Canada, she was a different person. She was weak, and fragile, and definitely not ready to go back to being the breadwinner of our family. She took another 2 weeks off work, and I skipped classes in order to be with her. In late February, I was hit with a strong bout of stomach flu which led me to miss my biology 1a03 midterm. The weight of that midterm was transferred onto my final exam, making my exam worth 80%. I thought I had done fairly well in that class, as I kept up with all the labs and assignments, with the help of my lab partner. The extra weight on my final exam, made it harder for me to gain a good mark in that class.
In late march, my family was informed that my father’s mother had taken ill. On March 23rd, my father boarded a plane to Pakistan. My father borrowed money from a friend to help pay for his ticket. He was soon caught up with family issues in Pakistan, and us with him.
When term ended, my mother suggested that my sister and I fly to Pakistan, to say our goodbyes to my grandmother, who was not getting any better. My sister’s vacation pay, my savings, and my brother’s input from his new co op position was enough to pay for our trip. I am now writing this appeal from Pakistan. I am certain that the committee will question why I did not use the summer to improve my grades, but I believe that the trip here has changed my family for the better. I have now gained closure about my grandparents’ deaths, as I visited their graves, and am living in their house. My father’s mother, is still sick, but I believe that spending this time with her will ease her passing.
How do I intend to recover from this year? My family’s financial situation has leveled out as my mother, sister, and brother are all contributing to the family income. My mother has just started a wedding cake business, which is off to a great start. My father has temporarily been hired at a convenience store, and it will further improve conditions at home. My parents have also decided to let me live off campus this year, as they have now realized the toll it takes for me to be so far away from a studious environment.
When I applied to Life Sciences at McMaster, I did it for my mother, as it was a sure path to medicine. I do not however, regret this decision as it has led me to my true passion; Psychology. I find that this is a field that motivates me more than literature ever had, and am sure that this passion will lead to success.
If reinstated, I intend on getting all the help I can. I plan on going to counseling/student services, using the resources McMaster has to offer. Success in school is of vital importance to my family, especially to my mother. I do not want to let my parents down, as they have been through a lot this year.
I understand that I will be competing for limited seats in Life Sciences with high school students. So I ask that if I cannot be placed into Life Sciences, that McMaster please place me in a Social Sciences program. I will be able to pursue a degree in psychology and fully intend on making up for this year. I believe that I am a hard working, ethical and unique student, and ask only for another chance to prove it.

I'd say go into deeper detail about how you will make next year better - it seems almost as if you skim over it because the explanation at the beginning is so long. Also, I would try to cut it down a bit if you can, always try to get your point across as quickly and efficiently as possible. I admit I started skimming after a while - don't let an advisor with a hundred more things to do than me (essp. at this time) do the same.

Also, watch for minor grammar mistakes, you don't want to be losing points for no reason. Example: any number less than ten should be spelled out in letters.

Also - be clearer about why you want life sci. From your opening about medicine, it doesn't seem to fit intuitively - why try to get back into life sci, when it is the most popular major among premeds when there is also a BA in Psych (essp. since you've mentioned you enough literature)? Make sure you make it very clear (more so than in the letter) that you intend to move from Life Sci to Psychology, maybe even give reasons why you prefer the BSc vs the BA.

Focus on the effects of last years events on YOU. Always relate everything back to YOU. I got the impression you were telling a story about all these other people and not yourself - there seemed to be a few paragraphs where you forgot to include yourself.

Best of luck.

You should elaborate more on your goal and future prospects. Also you should clarify whether you intend on getting into Life Sciences or Social Sciences, because it was a little vague. Also as britb said, I think you should cut down a little on what happened, and write more on why you believe you deserve to get reinstated. You can also include a nice/relevant quote if you want.
Good luck bro

It sounds like you want to switch into psychology?

If you are applying for reinstatement to Life Sci... make it clear that you intend to be in life sci.

Best of luck, sounds like you had a rough year.

if you still intend on getting into med school it is best to get reinstated into life sci. If I were you, I would take the section about your father battling alcohol out. I understand that it would've been a big factor in your ability to concentrate, however, you wrote it so that it lead to the point of "My commute from Mississauga to McMaster, took me about two hours every day – which was hard as I had 8:30 a.m. classes three times a week. " which is unfortunately not a valid excuse for doing poor academically as I know many students who commute for even longer times than that.

You should also put less emphasis on the fact that you lost your grandparents (again, I'm not trying to be heartless here) and more emphasis on how your mother's condition affected you personally. Was it your choice to skip and stay with your mother because your felt the need to or was it your mother who asked you to stay because she couldn't function?

How is it going to be different next year? Did you father quit the alcohol? what aspects of your father's alcoholism affected you first year? Was it because he was constantly shouting orders at you?

Good luck!!!