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Reinstatement Letter. Edit Please

 
Old 06-28-2012 at 10:38 PM   #1
singer345
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Reinstatement Letter. Edit Please
OMG I NEED HELP WITH EDITING THIS AND I WONDERING IF SOMEONE COULD HELP ME ON THIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

My attitude going into McMaster was to succeed, but I had failed. I had overcome many obstacles along the way and had decided to do better. During the school year at McMaster, my desire to do well was slowly demolishing. It took me a while to realize that education is an important part of who I am and that it will help me in my future. I decided to take some courses at Ryerson University to show that I can do well, but again many things had distracted me such as my mother being very ill. I was in and out of doctor appointments with my mother. I also had to take on most the duties at home. Being the only child came with a lot of responsibilities, especially when you go back and forth from each parent. I was also working part-time, so that I can help out with some of the bills. With all that, I still made time to attend all of my classes, participate in class discussions, and study as much as I could. I understand that my marks do not reflect my actions, but I know I can do better.
My time management skills had improved a lot over the course of 6 months. I had been volunteering my time with the Toronto Humane Society and a Reading buddy at Maple Library. Volunteering with animals was the greatest experience I’ve had. Working in an environment with great staff and such beautiful animals was the best. I am an animal lover. I have always wanted a pet, whereas working here had made me understand that it is a tough job to take care of animals, but its all such a worthwhile feeling at the end. I am currently still apart of the Reading Buddy program. I have been doing this ever since grade 12 and I have worked with my children. Each child is different. Working with these kids made me realize that I want to be a teacher and that I enjoy working with kids to help them achieve their goals to being able to read better. Helping these kids made my love of teaching even greater. I also have been talking about visual art with some local children. We discuss about anything and everything about art. What makes art, art? I give them basic knowledge about it, such varies forms of art, and who is and can get involved. I also try to get them inspired by the little things make them happy. For example one of the children I work with, Cinthya, age 8, she loves puppies, so I had asked her what is it about puppies that you love and she had said, “their slobbery kisses and wagging tails”. She drew a dog that was kissing her and wagging its tail. The drawing was amazing for an eight year old. It was very visual and realistic. She had applied all the knowledge that I had taught her. From that moment on, it made me realize children are our future, and I am my mother’s future. If it were not for her, I would not be the person who I am today. I strive to work hard, and having these kids around me just uplifts me and keeps me motivated. With all this volunteering, balancing school, home and work. I have been able to space everything
A wise person had told me “Don’t look for people's pity when you have made a mistake. Move on, smarten up, become wiser and show people how strong you really are. Pity is for the emotionally weak and kudos are for the intellectually strong”. This quote has moved me and inspired me. I am an artist I paint on my spare time. Hence, the discussions about art with children who want to learn about it. The wise person had told me this and it makes me wiser. It also made appreciate what I have than to what I do not have. I have a goal. That goal is to become a teacher. And someday, open up an Art school that will be recognized by many. The only way of me achieving this goal is to get my self prioritized and being able to handle stress. That is a learning process that will take time. I own up to my mistakes for when I was at McMaster. I did not try hard enough. Now, that a year has passed, I have been through so many barriers and if I have to go through more, I will just so that I can achieve this goal. It means a lot of hard work and a focused mind to get this done. I am willing to do anything to get back into the program. I’d rather have people understand my situation, rather than having pity over me. Having pity over something is not going to help me in anyway. Its better that I explain and make people understand, so that I have their support.
I would just like to conclude that through my journey with education has had its ups and downs, but those ups and downs are what make the journey so worthwhile. I am proud to say that I am who I am. We all are human and we make mistakes. If only I had thought of this before, I would not be in this situation right now. All I can do now is look forward to a brighter future and hopefully at McMaster University.
Old 06-29-2012 at 10:48 AM   #2
britb
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Quote:
Originally Posted by singer345 View Post
OMG I NEED HELP WITH EDITING THIS AND I WONDERING IF SOMEONE COULD HELP ME ON THIS PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

My attitude going into McMaster was to succeed, but I had failed. I had overcome many obstacles along the way and had decided to do better. During the school year at McMaster, my desire to do well was slowly demolishing. It took me a while to realize that education is an important part of who I am and that it will help me in my future. I decided to take some courses at Ryerson University to show that I can do well, but again many things had distracted me such as my mother being very ill. I was in and out of doctor appointments with my mother. I also had to take on most the duties at home. Being the only child came with a lot of responsibilities, especially when you go back and forth from each parent. I was also working part-time, so that I can help out with some of the bills. With all that, I still made time to attend all of my classes, participate in class discussions, and study as much as I could. I understand that my marks do not reflect my actions, but I know I can do better.
My time management skills had improved a lot over the course of 6 months. I had been volunteering my time with the Toronto Humane Society and a Reading buddy at Maple Library. Volunteering with animals was the greatest experience I’ve had. Working in an environment with great staff and such beautiful animals was the best. I am an animal lover. I have always wanted a pet, whereas working here had made me understand that it is a tough job to take care of animals, but its all such a worthwhile feeling at the end. I am currently still apart of the Reading Buddy program. I have been doing this ever since grade 12 and I have worked with my children. Each child is different. Working with these kids made me realize that I want to be a teacher and that I enjoy working with kids to help them achieve their goals to being able to read better. Helping these kids made my love of teaching even greater. I also have been talking about visual art with some local children. We discuss about anything and everything about art. What makes art, art? I give them basic knowledge about it, such varies forms of art, and who is and can get involved. I also try to get them inspired by the little things make them happy. For example one of the children I work with, Cinthya, age 8, she loves puppies, so I had asked her what is it about puppies that you love and she had said, “their slobbery kisses and wagging tails”. She drew a dog that was kissing her and wagging its tail. The drawing was amazing for an eight year old. It was very visual and realistic. She had applied all the knowledge that I had taught her. From that moment on, it made me realize children are our future, and I am my mother’s future. If it were not for her, I would not be the person who I am today. I strive to work hard, and having these kids around me just uplifts me and keeps me motivated. With all this volunteering, balancing school, home and work. I have been able to space everything
A wise person had told me “Don’t look for people's pity when you have made a mistake. Move on, smarten up, become wiser and show people how strong you really are. Pity is for the emotionally weak and kudos are for the intellectually strong”. This quote has moved me and inspired me. I am an artist I paint on my spare time. Hence, the discussions about art with children who want to learn about it. The wise person had told me this and it makes me wiser. It also made appreciate what I have than to what I do not have. I have a goal. That goal is to become a teacher. And someday, open up an Art school that will be recognized by many. The only way of me achieving this goal is to get my self prioritized and being able to handle stress. That is a learning process that will take time. I own up to my mistakes for when I was at McMaster. I did not try hard enough. Now, that a year has passed, I have been through so many barriers and if I have to go through more, I will just so that I can achieve this goal. It means a lot of hard work and a focused mind to get this done. I am willing to do anything to get back into the program. I’d rather have people understand my situation, rather than having pity over me. Having pity over something is not going to help me in anyway. Its better that I explain and make people understand, so that I have their support.
I would just like to conclude that through my journey with education has had its ups and downs, but those ups and downs are what make the journey so worthwhile. I am proud to say that I am who I am. We all are human and we make mistakes. If only I had thought of this before, I would not be in this situation right now. All I can do now is look forward to a brighter future and hopefully at McMaster University.
Didn't read it, because:
1. Wall of text. Treat this like a cover letter. Skip lines between paragraphs, shorten them, make this easy to read.
2. Saw a "wise man" quote somewhere. Drop that, its a cliche.

Ok, I breezed it a little. You spent a lot of time talking about "your dreams" and how fun it was volunteering.That's cute but this is the real world. What they want to know is right now - what are you going to do right now that will make you pass? What did volunteering teach you (and don't just give a line about time management - show it with examples). imho you talk too much about philosophy and things and not the hard facts. That story with the puppy girl was nice, but what does it contribute, that you couldn't say in less space? Is she going to tutor you?

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but I'm trying to think like a nasty adcom.

Last edited by britb : 06-29-2012 at 10:55 AM.
Old 06-29-2012 at 10:51 AM   #3
jon.john23
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wow thats a lot to read

start fixing it by using Paragraphs
Old 06-29-2012 at 11:17 AM   #4
lifesciman1
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It seems like there are a lot of Brocken sentences here and there. I would try and make it flow a lot better.
Old 06-29-2012 at 01:21 PM   #5
MacNeuro
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This reinstatement letter, I'm sorry to say, will get you nowhere. The purpose of a reinstatement letter is describe why and under what circumstances you failed, and what you will do differently this time to make it up. All you describe are what you did between your failed year and reinstatement year and how that affected you. They don't want to hear anything about that. Major chunk of your letter should be addressed to how you're going to make sure you succeed this time.
Old 06-29-2012 at 01:56 PM   #6
nerual
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About 95% of it is irrelevant.

You need to make it easy to read, both visually and grammatically. It needs to flow properly, not be a bunch of random anecdotes that have little or nothing to do with why you got kicked out or why you will succeed if granted reinstatement.
Old 06-29-2012 at 11:58 PM   #7
lifesciman1
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My attitude going into McMaster was to succeed, but I had failed.This honestly sounds like a very weak start to your letter. I had overcome many obstacles along the way and had decided to do better. During the school year at McMaster, my desire to do well was slowly demolishing. It took me a while to realize that education is an important part of who I am and that it will help me in my future.I think you switched to Ryerson and post Mac too fast. I would write more about your time at McMaster and WHAT caused you to fail or do badly. You didn't state a CIRCUMSTANCE / I decided to take some courses at Ryerson University to show that I can do well, but again many things had distracted me such as my mother being very ill. I was in and out of doctor appointments with my mother. I also had to take on most the duties at home. Being the only child came with a lot of responsibilities, especially when you go back and forth from each parent. I was also working part-time, so that I can help out with some of the bills. With all that, I still made time to attend all of my classes, participate in class discussions, and study as much as I could. I understand that my marks do not reflect my actions, but I know I can do better. Again, you mentioned your reason for doing bad at Ryerson, but not McMaster? The school you are trying to get back into...
My time management skills had improved a lot over the course of 6 months. I had been volunteering my time with the Toronto Humane Society and as a reading buddy at Maple Library. Volunteering with animals was the greatest experience I’ve hadI would reword this. Working in an environment with great staff and such beautiful animals was the bestI would word this sentence in a more formal way. I am an animal lover. I have always wanted a pet, whereas working here had made me understand that it is a tough job to take care of animals, but it's all such a worthwhile feeling at the end. I am currently still a_part of the Reading Buddy program. I have been doing this ever since grade 12 and I have worked with my children. Each child is different. Working with these kids made me realize that I want to be a teacher and that I enjoy working with kids to help them achieve their goals to being able to read better. Helping these kids made my love of teaching even greater. I also have been talking about visual art with some local children. We discuss about<-- removeanything and everything about art. (What makes art, art?)<--remove I give them basic knowledge about it, such varies <--various?forms of art, and who is and can get involved. I also try to get them inspired by the little things make them happy. For example one of the children I work with, Cinthya, age 8, she loves puppies, so I had asked her what is it about puppies that you love and she had said, “their slobbery kisses and wagging tails”. She drew a dog that was kissing her and wagging its tail. The drawing was amazing for an eight year old. It was very visual and realistic. She had applied all the knowledge that I had taught her. From that moment on, it made me realize children are our future, and I am my mother’s future. If it were not for her, I would not be the person who I am today. I strive to work hard, and having these kids around me just uplifts me and keeps me motivated. With all this volunteering, balancing school, home and work. I have been able to space everything
A wise person had told me “Don’t look for people's pity when you have made a mistake. Move on, smarten up, become wiser and show people how strong you really are. Pity is for the emotionally weak and kudos are for the intellectually strong”. This quote has moved me and inspired me. I am an artist I paint on my spare time. Hence, the discussions about art with children who want to learn about it. The wise person had told me this and it makes me wiser. It also made appreciate what I have than to what I do not have. I have a goal. That goal is to become a .......i stopped reading..

I don't mean to be rude or mean but this letter sounds like it was written in 10 minutes. If I were you I would restart with a blank sheet. Explain the reason for your bad performance AT MCMASTER, what you did to solve the problem, and how you will prevent this from happening again.

Also don't forget to spell check and add some flow to the letter. It wasn't too easy on the tongue to read. I hope i DIDN'T OFFEND YOU IN ANYWAY You still have one of day (until 4 p.m. on June 30th). If you have already submitted your form, I believe you can still get it back, since the Office of Registar is only responsible for approving the payment and sending the letters to the appropriate faculty. Good Luck to the both of us!!!

Last edited by lifesciman1 : 06-30-2012 at 12:07 AM.
Old 06-30-2012 at 02:16 AM   #8
Leeoku
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Try talking about admitting/realizing your mistakes (describing what they were ) and the steps you took to fix it.



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