Ya know this thread was started 9 months ago, right?
It's a common problem. There will be girls who, in the future, come across this thread, and try and solve their problems from it. Just because one person solved a specific problem 9 months ago doesn't mean that nobody will ever have the problem again.
12-03-2011 at 10:20 PM
#64
RyanC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
If your boyfriend's insecure about you having guy friends, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you're careful how you act around people that aren't your boyfriend. Some friends are very touchy-feelly, and although you may consider something like hugging a guy friend to be innocent, your boyfriend my see a simple hug as borderline cheating. Limit physical contact with friends, make sure that you avoid flirting, even accidentally, and dress conservatively when you're not with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend will feel a lot less threatened if you're wearing a sweater and loose jeans.
The second thing you need to do is break down the barriers between your love life and your casual life. Don't spend time alone with your guy friends, invite your boyfriend along. Try and establish a relationship between your guy friends and your boyfriend. If your guy friends are his guy friends, then he won't feel as threatened, or at least he'll be more specific with his paranoia. If your boyfriend gets to know your guy friends, he'll be able to tell which of them respect your relationship, and which of them are likely to try to get into your pants.
I'm interested in hearing your opinions on this topic as it's been causing me a lot of stress in my relationship... I feel really torn and don't know wut to do.
The question is: do you think it is 'wrong' for anyone in a relationship to be friends/hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Well, my boyfriend of 4 years seems to think so and it has been a recurrent cause for argument over the years. I have one guy friend that I enjoy talking to every once in awhile and my boyfriend gets really upset over this.
What do y'all think?
Your boyfriend shouldn't have a girlfriend for much longer.
Drop him.
Old thread is old... but I'm too lazy to see if I replied to it back when it was in with the hipsters.
It's a common problem. There will be girls who, in the future, come across this thread, and try and solve their problems from it. Just because one person solved a specific problem 9 months ago doesn't mean that nobody will ever have the problem again.
Thats true, but i just figured if i asked for advice in march, hopefully i would have figured it out by now so there is little point in reviving a dead thread. did not think of this tho
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12-04-2011 at 04:34 PM
#68
ZSimon
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Who over-analyzes? Everyone in this ****ing thread over-analyzes.
12-04-2011 at 06:10 PM
#69
jitnikovi
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shocking how many people give their opinions yet have never had even a semi-serious relationship
12-04-2011 at 06:46 PM
#70
Amaryll
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jitnikovi
shocking how many people give their opinions yet have never had even a semi-serious relationship
If you mean Simon, probably, yeah. He is, of course, single.
However, seeing as some of the posts here draw from the posters' own experiences, that obviously doesn't apply to everyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
although you may consider something like hugging a guy friend to be innocent, your boyfriend my see a simple hug as borderline cheating.
Lol. Dumped.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
dress conservatively when you're not with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend will feel a lot less threatened if you're wearing a sweater and loose jeans.
... Don't spend time alone with your guy friends
Yes, instead of helping an SO figure out the reason for and get over their insecurities, let's structure all our actions around not tripping their sensitive jealousies. If he demanded that I cover absolutely all skin, this would be okay, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
The second thing you need to do is break down the barriers between your love life and your casual life...Try and establish a relationship between your guy friends and your boyfriend.
Only bit of good advice in this post, IMO.
Been resisting the urge to post in this thread because it really needs to die. However, it seems like that's not going to happen, so what the hell.
Yes, instead of helping an SO figure out the reason for and get over their insecurities, let's structure all our actions around not tripping their sensitive jealousies. If he demanded that I cover absolutely all skin, this would be okay, right?
That's reductio ad absurdum! I'm not saying that you should wear what he tells you to wear, and I'm certainly not saying you should cover absolutely all skin! I'm saying that there are certain articles of clothing that are actually designed to attract sexual attention, and wearing these types of clothes can easily make your boyfriend jealous. Tight jeans, short-shorts, mini-skirts, low-cut tops, deep v-necks that reveal cleavage, tube tops, those lulu lemon yoga pants that are basically made of spandex, belly tops, etc. These are the types of clothes that guys are attracted to. The more you leave to the imagination, the less there is to be threatened by. I'm not for a second advocating the suppression of women, but in western culture, women are often expected to show revealing clothing, while men tend to dress for comfort. Why is it wrong for me to point out that wearing clothing designed to make you look hot is threatening to your boyfriend?
Let me give you an example: I own a deep v-neck t-shirt and a pair of tight skinny jeans. I wear them when I want to try to attract people. These clothes serve no other purpose than to attract sexual attention. All I'm saying is that, if I had a jealous significant other, wearing this deep v-neck and those tight skinny jeans would be a bad idea, and I'd only be able to justify that outfit by using it to try and attract attention from my boy/girlfriend. If I went out with friends dressed like that, and didn't bring my boy/girlfriend with me, the message I'd be giving is "I'm going to sleep with someone, and it's not going to be you."
Is there any reason that suggesting that a woman wear clothes equally revealing to those of her boyfriends somehow means burqa?
Also, when I say not to spend time alone with your guy friends, I literally mean alone. If you want to hang out with guy friends without making your boyfriend jealous, hang out as a group, include in that group someone your boyfriend trusts, and try to avoid private places, especially if you don't include someone your boyfriend trusts. Also, adding female friends to the group will reassure your boyfriend; if you're hanging out with three guys and no girls, your boyfriend may worry that the three guys will rape you, even if he trusts you entirely. Having a girl makes it seem more like a group, and less like a gang bang (even if you would never do anything sexual with any of the guys), and having someone your boyfriend trusts makes your boyfriend think that, if something starts, the person they trust will stop it.
Oh, and even if the guy you're hanging out with is gay, this is still true. Your boyfriend may trust a gay guy more than a straight guy, but there's a significant chance he'll think the guy's not actually gay, and just saying so to trick him, or you.
Oh, and I'm not sure what you mean by "Lol. Dumped." but in my experience, I find will often hug their friends, but guys will rarely hug you if they only think of you as a friend. If you haven't noticed, guys tend to put a lot more significance in the meaning of a touch. Girls will kiss their friends on the cheek, thinking of it as purely platonic, but if two guys hold each other's hands, they're assumed not only to be gay, but to be together. I'm not saying that this is constant with all guys and all girls, but if your boyfriend is jealous, he probably considers any touch to be significant. Pay attention to how he interacts with other girls, or even other guys, and use that as a baseline. Does he hug people outside his family? How much physical contact does he make? How long does his physical contact last? Does he make any physical contact that is neither awkward, professional, or violent?
Last edited by BJSchleifer : 12-07-2011 at 09:21 PM.
12-07-2011 at 10:27 PM
#72
Amaryll
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...ho boy. Here we go. Prepare for textwall.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
Why is it wrong for me to point out that wearing clothing designed to make you look hot is threatening to your boyfriend?
I concede that the burka bit was slightly over-exaggerated.
However. Are you suggesting that I should only wear things that I feel attractive in when my boyfriend is with me? Well shit, I guess I can only wear a low cut shirt or tight jeans every other weekend then. There goes half my everyday clothes. In short, I find this idea quite absurd. When I buy clothes, I buy clothes that make me feel attractive. I'm sure you can ask any girl to confirm this.
It's wrong because a guy being threatened by his gf wearing low-cut shirts in front of other people screams of crippling insecurity that needs to be dealt with, because if it isn't, it'll just **** up the relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BJSchleifer
Also, when I say not to spend time alone with your guy friends, I literally mean alone... Having a girl makes it seem more like a group, and less like a gang bang (even if you would never do anything sexual with any of the guys), and having someone your boyfriend trusts makes your boyfriend think that, if something starts, the person they trust will stop it.
Yeah, I meant alone too. Something like 7/9ish of the good friends I made first year were guys. I spent time alone with them often. I would personally find the jealousy you're describing to be annoying as ****, and an absolute deal breaker. What the hell is wrong with going to dinner with a guy friend? Or if a few of them asked me out to dinner with them: "Nope, can't, boyfriend would get jealous!" Seriously?
Example of what I consider reasonable concern:
I went to a house party somewhat late in the evening with Entropy. My boyfriend was worried because he didn't know Entropy, or anyone else at the house (I didn't either). He asked me 1) if I was sure Entropy was an okay guy, 2) to make sure my phone was well-charged so it wouldn't die, and 3) to text him when I got home so he'd know I was okay. Clearly the concern here was my safety, not any worry that I would flirt with/have sex with anyone.
Example of what I consider unacceptable and overly jealous concern:
Jealousy at a gf* wearing low-cut shirts when he's not around.
Jealousy at a gf hanging out with 1 or more other guys.
Jealousy at a gf giving other guys hugs. Especially as a greeting/goodbye, and the like.
Basically, everything you've described. Yes, I wear clothes that make me feel attractive around people I don't care about. I just like to look attractive--I think most people do. However, I don't take my clothes off in front of them. Yes, I hang out with other guys. They're my friends, why not? And yes, I hug other guys. It's a friendly and socially-acceptable gesture of affection between friends. My boyfriend is okay with all this because he's a moderately confidant, well-adjusted person, who trusts me.
There was this guy who had a thing for me back in highschool (it never reached the point of an actual relationship, though I was also into him) who tended to flip shit and get sulky when I talked about my guy friends. The reason it never went anywhere because he was so ridiculously jealous and could not seem to trust me in the least. Annoying as ****.
The reason I bothered to post so much about this is I have known quite a few people who think this sort of jealousy is okay in an SO, and some who even think it's "cute." It's not. It comes from insecurity and lack of trust, neither of which are a good thing and should never be viewed as such. I'm not saying if you have an SO who tends to get jealous, dump them. I'm saying, work on it, and if they refuse to or somehow can't, get out. You deserve better.
*This is, of course, all applicable to a girl being the jealous one in a relationship. I tried to use gender-neutral terms (SO) when writing this post, but it got to be hard to distinguish between the jealous SO and the other one.
Very appropriate video which explains this thread exactly, it would actually be quite unreasonable and irresponsible for a guy to NOT worry if a girl hangs out with guy friends often.
Very appropriate video which explains this thread exactly, it would actually be quite unreasonable and irresponsible for a guy to NOT worry if a girl hangs out with guy friends often.
If the average woman in Utah is as attractive as the video implied, then I'm pretty damn impressed at how they're all still Mormons. In other words, the dude only interviewed the (relatively) attractive girls who were confident enough to say that one or more of their male friends would hook up with them.
It's also likely/probable/definite that the the video was edited so that anybody interviewed that disagreed with the interviewer's viewpoint wasn't featured.
Also, the few lines at the end stated that M-F friendship was impossible and could happen under no circumstances, but I think it's pretty easy if either/both of them are in committed relationships.
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